2011

2011 opened me to a brand new world. It was this year I admitted my other side to four people. It was full of secrets, emotions and whatsoevers. I kept many things in my head as it would be crazy to share it with someone else. Yung tipong alam mo naman ano sasabihin, so what is the point of saying it to other people.

I will leave all foolishness behind. Forget about the wrong doings and try to just improve.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pts-t0mGEYE

Sometimes I wish I can tell you all.
Sometimes I wish I can just be me.
But I know I won't be able to do so.
Not until...
Probably you won't know ever the reason why I act stupid.

A friend made me realize why I react that way.
I think she is right.
Even in this blog can't tell.

I seriously think they did something

Late post

Need to keep my cool

I could have answered the question earlier but I just ditched it because I can't reveal what I feel. A friend told me, wala ka mapapala dun. But hell hirap yun. They are no longer at war state pero no discussions on their thing yet. Gluck to you dumbass.

Maybe she is right. The reason why he is gettibg to your nerves is because of jealousy. Pft. This life is so hard. Just so happy was able to breathe kahit papano.

As for * not sure. I think he likes #. Tingin ko talaga.

Should I sleep early? Or stay awake until I am dead tired?

right. for sure after tonight they are back in each others arms.

...

My prediction was right. They are back together. I felt it and saw some clues. Well I shouldn't be affected. But as they say, it is easy to be single if the people around you are single. Ted Mosby was able to survive Lily and Marshall. Well I think I can beat that record. My roommates are together. As in the two people sleeping next to me on a queen size bed are together. Beat that Ted.

I salute you Mosby for being able to stay. But I bet even him doesn't even know how tormented I feel. Easy for them to say that I need not to feel awkaward. But hell. You don't know how I feel.

I must keep my cool. Just two more months and I am free.

This weekend trip home was relaxing. If everyday is just like that when I am with them, then I won't have any problems staying there.

On another note, I was able to tell him. I think he is not interested. But I think he is ... Oh well

And someone knows...

dark knight

Sabihin niyo ng pagbubuhat ng bangko itong blog na ito, pero this is how I really feel.


During the past days / weeks / months people around me always tell me, "pwede ka na mag asawa." This is because I know how to deal with things. I know how to cook, I know how to listen, I know how to clean, I know how to change tires, I know how to drive and all sorts of stuffs. The problem is I don't have a damsel in distress. I can't see someone waiting for me at the other end. I realized this last night, when I was able to help out many folks, but at the end of the night, natulog akong lonely. Shit I hate this feeling. I don't know what I want. 


I am very positive that I can be a knight in shining armor. But without that person waiting for me at the other end, all I can be is just a dark knight.

just run away from these lies

That is what I want to do. A part of me wants to leave everything and start a new life. Hiding, hiding, hiding, that is what I am good at. I am just tired being alone. I hope I can tell a real person. I have someone in mind  but I don't know how he will react. Maybe escape is the best way to go. To be honest, sometimes I just want to die. Well I do not intend to commit suicide. I want natural death. My situation is very complicated. I know I am strong. But sometimes I need someone by my side. 

hide and seek

For someone like me who doesn't want to reveal to the world my true identity (bi), living daily is tough. I have to make sure that my defenses are always up so they won't think that I am different. I don't have anything against those that are completely out. It is just not my choice to be one. Besides it was just very recent that I accepted what I am. Well before this I was already ready to be in a relationship. Now, i dont know.

Given what i am and what i like, looking for a partner is so difficult. I prefer someone like me. But he is probably also hiding. I have one prospect. I think he has a crush on my friend. Sometimes i want to tell him "i know you like him, but sorry he is already taken. Guess what i am free, tayo na lang". Nah wont do that. I am not hundred percent sure he is like me and if he will like me. And i am not sure if i am ready for a relationship. Labo

go get a room fail

Sometimes I want to say "go get a room."
Then I realize we all share this room.

fml

envy

There is a reason why it is one of the seven capital sins.
Since I was a kid, I am very envious about many things. I usually don't get what I want or wlI get something smaller than what I want. Now that I am a grown up, I just hide under my blanket. I am just taking it all in. I am just afraid that maybe one day I can't contain it anymore and no one knows what I will do. That day really.changed my life. If I did not found out about this things maybe a little easier.

They say they understand what i feel. I bet they dont. Because i didnt tell them the whole picture. That i wish i was the one in their shoes. Yeah maybe they understand a bit of what i feel. But understanding is not the same as really feeling it. Day by day i feel it. One said you must keep it to yourself and act strong. Damn it. I wish i can. I just want to love and be loved, to hug and he hugged. I sound so desperate shit.

Lately I do not know what I am doing with my life. I plot several things but I end up doing a different thing. I really want to share my story to somebody. I can't tell my best friend because her perspective towards me would change forever. I am not sure if that would be a good thing. I don't want to risk it. Besides, I have to tell her everything I am keeping if I decide to divulge what I am hiding. I think I can't afford that as part of my "story" is something that I cannot just tell other people as it involves the story of two more souls. I am getting tired of this. But I know I must not give up. I am really envious. At least they have each other. 

insanity at it finest

yeah i am insane. but i am dealing with it. chill yaki you can do it.

this is so tiring

I think this life is so tiring. We always need to pretend about our real emotions. Sometimes I just want to give up. But I know there is no easy way out of this. I am so confused. Good thing something keeps me busy nowadays. Without it, I don't know where I will be.

maybe it is not meant to be

Today blogger.com undergone system maintenance and my most recent insanity post disappeared. This included something about revealing what I feel about someone. May be it is not meant to be. I don't know which makes me feel more crappy the post got lost or I don't have a means to tell even just my blog what I feel. Well looking / reading back it is one and the same thing. Crap crap crap. Well either way I might write it again in a different time with more information.


It suddenly resurfaced. Suddenly this blog entry makes no sense

all lies

I am somehow ok. Better than last few days. That talk really helped me out. I am just saddened that I cannot be honest, well not hundred percent honest, to the only two people who knows this side of me.

I cannot tell it to you straight to your face so I will just put it here. He is so lucky to have you. I don't think I need to expound. Well I want too pero let us leave it that way. It is also one of the reasons why I was not me last week.

i wish i could just tell someone

...anything and everything. For now I will just sing

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Pretending that I'm doing well
My need is such, I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I play the game, but to my real shame
You left me to dream all alone

Too real is this feeling of make believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I'm not, you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around

Too real is this feeling of make believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I'm not, you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around

angry birds

don't you find the name of that game as weird? angry birds? i wonder, when will i get to play or be played.

a little background

I originally planned to take it to the grave. I don't want anyone to know because I am afraid of what people would say. I always lived my life under the radar, doing things cyber, and not giving out any details. I use different alias to satisfy my urge online. As 2011 started, I told myself, iiwan ko na yung ganung ways. I will be straight. All went as planned for the first few months until March came. I "accidentally" confirmed my instincts before and it made me nuts for the whole day. I found out that my college buddies are keeping the same secret as I do. But there is something more. They are together. This made me fucking crazy as they don't seem to be like that and they are the first "couple" I know, under the covers. Patay ako pag nabasa nila itong blog na ito. During that day I took several shots of alcohol and then finally confessed to them that I know their dirty little secret. Pero napadami ata nainom ko, I told them my secret also.

the purpose

There are things in life that you cannot bluntly share with everyone you know. We usually keep a secret, that covers a part of our identity. Sometimes you just want to let it out so that you don't have to go hiding.


This blog is about that. In here I will tell my tale so I can keep my sanity. You will know about my dark secrets, my experiences. Accompany me as I journey through life choosing the path to happiness. LOL