...

My prediction was right. They are back together. I felt it and saw some clues. Well I shouldn't be affected. But as they say, it is easy to be single if the people around you are single. Ted Mosby was able to survive Lily and Marshall. Well I think I can beat that record. My roommates are together. As in the two people sleeping next to me on a queen size bed are together. Beat that Ted.

I salute you Mosby for being able to stay. But I bet even him doesn't even know how tormented I feel. Easy for them to say that I need not to feel awkaward. But hell. You don't know how I feel.

I must keep my cool. Just two more months and I am free.

This weekend trip home was relaxing. If everyday is just like that when I am with them, then I won't have any problems staying there.

On another note, I was able to tell him. I think he is not interested. But I think he is ... Oh well

And someone knows...

dark knight

Sabihin niyo ng pagbubuhat ng bangko itong blog na ito, pero this is how I really feel.


During the past days / weeks / months people around me always tell me, "pwede ka na mag asawa." This is because I know how to deal with things. I know how to cook, I know how to listen, I know how to clean, I know how to change tires, I know how to drive and all sorts of stuffs. The problem is I don't have a damsel in distress. I can't see someone waiting for me at the other end. I realized this last night, when I was able to help out many folks, but at the end of the night, natulog akong lonely. Shit I hate this feeling. I don't know what I want. 


I am very positive that I can be a knight in shining armor. But without that person waiting for me at the other end, all I can be is just a dark knight.

just run away from these lies

That is what I want to do. A part of me wants to leave everything and start a new life. Hiding, hiding, hiding, that is what I am good at. I am just tired being alone. I hope I can tell a real person. I have someone in mind  but I don't know how he will react. Maybe escape is the best way to go. To be honest, sometimes I just want to die. Well I do not intend to commit suicide. I want natural death. My situation is very complicated. I know I am strong. But sometimes I need someone by my side. 

hide and seek

For someone like me who doesn't want to reveal to the world my true identity (bi), living daily is tough. I have to make sure that my defenses are always up so they won't think that I am different. I don't have anything against those that are completely out. It is just not my choice to be one. Besides it was just very recent that I accepted what I am. Well before this I was already ready to be in a relationship. Now, i dont know.

Given what i am and what i like, looking for a partner is so difficult. I prefer someone like me. But he is probably also hiding. I have one prospect. I think he has a crush on my friend. Sometimes i want to tell him "i know you like him, but sorry he is already taken. Guess what i am free, tayo na lang". Nah wont do that. I am not hundred percent sure he is like me and if he will like me. And i am not sure if i am ready for a relationship. Labo

go get a room fail

Sometimes I want to say "go get a room."
Then I realize we all share this room.

fml

envy

There is a reason why it is one of the seven capital sins.
Since I was a kid, I am very envious about many things. I usually don't get what I want or wlI get something smaller than what I want. Now that I am a grown up, I just hide under my blanket. I am just taking it all in. I am just afraid that maybe one day I can't contain it anymore and no one knows what I will do. That day really.changed my life. If I did not found out about this things maybe a little easier.

They say they understand what i feel. I bet they dont. Because i didnt tell them the whole picture. That i wish i was the one in their shoes. Yeah maybe they understand a bit of what i feel. But understanding is not the same as really feeling it. Day by day i feel it. One said you must keep it to yourself and act strong. Damn it. I wish i can. I just want to love and be loved, to hug and he hugged. I sound so desperate shit.

Lately I do not know what I am doing with my life. I plot several things but I end up doing a different thing. I really want to share my story to somebody. I can't tell my best friend because her perspective towards me would change forever. I am not sure if that would be a good thing. I don't want to risk it. Besides, I have to tell her everything I am keeping if I decide to divulge what I am hiding. I think I can't afford that as part of my "story" is something that I cannot just tell other people as it involves the story of two more souls. I am getting tired of this. But I know I must not give up. I am really envious. At least they have each other.